If College Football Conferences Were Tools: Part 1

If you can’t tell already, over here at Acme Tools, we love college football. So we decided, why not compare tools to each conference?

College football conferences are basically tools already. They get beaten up every Saturday, spend the offseason figuring out who is the best, and spend millions of dollars to build the perfect roster.

Each conference also has its own personality. Some rely on raw power. Others are unpredictable, versatile or perfectly content winning an ugly game in terrible weather.

For Part 1, we’re matching the Power Four conferences with the tools that best represent them. No brands. Just tools.

The SEC is an impact wrench.

It is loud, proud, and powerful, entering every situation expecting the other side to give up eventually. There is no need to be subtle when you have enough torque to make subtlety irrelevant.

An impact wrench handles lug nuts, suspension hardware and stubborn fasteners that refuse to move. The SEC takes a similar approach to football: apply overwhelming force until the problem disappears.

It also makes sure everyone within a five-mile radius knows it is working.

The Big Ten is a sledgehammer.

It is heavy, traditional and perfectly comfortable working outside when the temperature is miserable. You do not grab a sledgehammer for delicate adjustments. You grab it because something needs to move, and asking nicely has already failed.

That feels right for a conference known for physical football, packed stadiums and games that occasionally end with a score from the 1940s.

A 10-7 win still counts. Put on another jacket and quit complaining.

The Big 12 is a reciprocating saw.

It is fast, aggressive and occasionally looks like it might shake itself apart. But that's what makes it so entertaining.

Reciprocating saws are used for demolition, remodeling and cutting through a wide range of materials. They may not always deliver the cleanest cut, but they keep moving and usually leave something dramatic behind.

That is Big 12 football. Expect touchdowns, chaos and at least one game that makes absolutely no sense by the fourth quarter.

The ACC is an oscillating multi-tool.

It can cut, scrape, sand and handle jobs that other tools cannot reach. It may not always get the most headlines in the toolbox, but it has more versatility than people give it credit for.

The conference operates the same way. Different programs bring different strengths, and just when you think you understand the pecking order, somebody changes the blade and ruins your prediction.

The ACC may not make the most noise every Saturday, but ignoring it completely can endbadlyd in the first round of the CFP.

That handles the Power Four, but we are not stopping here.

Part 2 will take on the new Pac-12, American Conference, Mountain West, Sun Belt, MAC and Conference USA. Those comparisons could get interesting.

To all our Notre Dame fans, sorry, join a conference.

Especially once we start digging through the stranger sections of the toolbox.